To be continued

Dear Lillian,
     I never thought in a million years that being an aunt would bring so many uncontrollably and beautiful feelings. I will never forget the night i waited for your arrival at the hospital. The whole 9 months and that night all my focus was on my big sister. The time I spent with her while she carried you around in her belly will forever be irreplaceable. It's truly the first time I felt your mother an I exhibited every aspect of the precious relationship that is sisterhood. Its the first time I didn't feel like the "youngest daughter," but instead like the protective guardian. When your grandfather, Ben, showed me the picture message of your sweet face my whole focus shifted. I was completely overcome with emotions of love. My fist words were "I didn't know I was going to love her this much," as I faught to breath through my choking sobs. I still may not know what it means to be an aunt, but I do know a few things for sure. I love you and that could never change. I will always be available to you if you ever need anything. I will accept the person you choose to be. I will never cast judgement on any mistake you may make. I will beleive in you no matter if you loose faith in yourself. I will fight for you. I will cry with you. I will laugh with you. I will always be your aunt Helen and I will always love you.

Somebody that I used to know

     Having a little trouble sleeping. This probably has something to do with the coffe/energy drink I had after work. I decided to take this idle time to share some thoughts. I just moved back into the dorm life at 23. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I have not been looking forward to being surrounded by younger and new college students. It's nothing personal, I have mostly always gotten along with an older crowd..... And even THEY have their moments of immaturely wasting time on extraneous drama.
     Drama..... I hate to even use that word because it is so over used and mostly by people who welcome it as a necessary companion, only to talk behind its back and say things like, "omg, I hate drama," or "drama just finds me."
     Anyways, I'm getting off topic. My point being there was a huge apprehension about surrounding myself with people who may not have found their "big picture," yet. However, there was and is still a part of me who looks forward to having a reminder of how drastically different my mindset is compared to when I took my first go around at college. So far things have been great. It's only been a week and I don't know my roommates to well but it's really funny that I see scattered fragments of the 18 year old Helen in each of them. I like it.

I just might have a problem that you'd understand.

     You don't always have to look far for inspiration. Sometimes you just have to want it bad enough to reach out. As you can read from an earlier post, "hiatus," my boyfriend and I have recently decided to take a break. The main reason is that my broken self confidence was beginning to create issues for us during a time where we are both going through some important personal transitions. I am okay with the fact that I need to grow stronger on my own before I can attempt to grow strong with someone. However, my next dilemma was how? I decided continuing to choose not to drink was important for this journey. I also recognized remaining focused on my job and school were imperative. 

     These things were obvious choices. I am a gymnast at heart. It's hard for me not to exhaust every effort I can muster to achieve something I truly desire. So I had a major brainstorming session. I concluded that blogging may help, hence my last two post. As my thoughts were becoming more organized and easier to manage, I moved onto organizing other things: my car, my clothes, etc. I then decided to committ to listening to "building self confidence" meditation every morning. It may seem silly, but the repeated phrases are a great way to start my day and remind myself that I can CHOOSE to be confident. 

     There was still something missing. I'm not sure what prompted me to reach out, but I am so glad I did. I took three girls, whom I don't even know extremely well and I gave them the spark notes version of what my current situation was. I ended my message by asking them if they had any advice on how to build back my confidence. Honestly, a lot of the things the girls said were things I knew. There are no short cuts. However, hearing that they could relate to my current struggle was just the camaraderie I needed. These strong women have inspired me. I see them all as confident women "with a voice." Feeling that camaraderie allowed me to see my own self as a strong woman with a voice. 

     Again, I'm not sure why I reached out, but I am so glad that I did. Good vibes are out there. Don't be afraid to follow them. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there for who you are. Your struggles don't bring shame, they bring character and the opportunity to grow.  A wise and extremely good looking man once told me "this world is a hard place to live in, I feel that too." I agree with him. However, we are all struggling and yet sometimes we let irrational fear keep us from reaching out. I had those fears when messaging those girls. I was nervous they might see me as weak. I also thought there was the potential they would think I was just looking for a way to be their friend (girls are crazy like that). I was also afraid they may be annoyed and think, "seriously? I hardly know you." However, their reaction restored my optimistic faith in humanity. We have the ability to relate to each other. Let's not waste that. 

I am woman

Shocked at how well I have handled the past week. I got up when I wanted to sleep in. I accomplished tasks I wanted to push off. I stayed motivated at work when I wanted to leave. I keep my sanity in the presence of an insane emotional beating. Why am I so proud? I started my period tonight. I rocked my pms! Take that hormones!!!!

Refreshing

I haven't posted in a while. Let's call that my recovery time. I am happy to report that beautiful things are happening inside me and I'm feeling more inspired everyday. This little poem was written tonight while I was reflecting on how thankful I am to have the sincere support of a trust worthy man, who I get to call "my boyfriend."My chest has always been open.And my heart, so easy to snag.Battered and bruised and broken.Fragile remains is all I had.You could have claimed it for yourself with those sweet words that were spoken.You chose, instead, to mend it expecting nothing in return.I don't keep my heart in my chest anymore, it's no place for my heart, I have learned.I found somewhere I trust that it is so thankful to call home. My heart, you see, it rests inside your very own.

Friendship

     What is in a true friend? This has been on my mind a lot recently because I am in a new city and currently networking and making new friends. Anyways, just thought I'd outline a few things to have a more clear grasp on the type of people I want to invest time in and surround myself by. This isn't just so I can weed out people though. I also, as anyone, could always use a reminding of the type of friend I want to be. No one is perfect and we all will make mistakes in relationships and friendships, but it's nice to have the person in mind that you are striving to be everyday.

1. Loyalty would have to be my number one quality in a friend. I think it should be the base of everything. I want to know that no matter what presents itself my friend will always strive to keep the best interest of my reputation in mind. I would never expect a friend to go agains their own opinions. I want to be secure that I will be supported even if I'm not agreed with. Something as simple as "Well in my opinion...blah blah, but I know my friend and I'm sure she has a good reason for her own opinion" is such an easy way to stay true to oneself while simultaneously having your friend's back. I am a ride or die type friend, if you wrong my friend....I will NOT be happy. Loyalty is so important to protect yourself from getting manipulated into being pitted against your own friend. I want to know that no matter what gets said my friend will defend me with great strength. It would be ideal for my friend to be so obviously a "ride or die friend" that people don't even feel comfortable saying anything negative about me in front of them.

2. Trust. Where can you go with a friendship if you can't trust what your friend is saying. I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when my friend recalls an event to me that there is no manipulation involved. I want to know the facts no matter what. I don't even think this needs much more explaination....it's such a simple and obvious concept.

3. It's very important to me that my friends have a sensitive and genuine understanding of who I am. I'm willing to share and expect acceptance of what my goals are, what my weaknesses are, what I'm selfconscious about, what makes me happy, what makes me mad, what annoys me, and on and on. If my friend is going to be loyal ^ then it's important they are aware of these things. I want to know that in a social setting they won't inadvertantly put me down about something that truly affects me. Also, it's so nice to have a friend that can read a situation and assist me in avoiding things that could potentially really upset me or hurt me. I consider this being an ACTIVE friend. Not just sitting back and enjoying times together, but instead being present and aware of the moments and doing what we can to enhance our times together and make them the best times we can have.  

4. No matter the distance between or lack of contact, I want to know my friend is my friend and they've signed on for the long haul. I can think of a few friends who I am so lucky to have that unfortunately I haven't been able to speak with for a while. At the end of the day, however, I know they are still there (as I am for them) and that feeling of security is amazing.


     Again, we all make mistakes and I don't expect my friends to be perfect all the time. If you screw up there's the expectation that you will apologize....and not do it again. As a friend you should be forgiving and understanding. However, if the screw ups come from bad intentions then I am very quick to cut people out of my life or lose interest in being around them. I really go off of vibes from people. If I think your heart is in the right place then I'm quick to trust you and open up about almost anything to you. I try really hard to live by these expectations but I'm sure sometimes I drop the ball. I'm very quick to apologize and explain any reasonings for my screw ups. I love my friends dearly and am really looking forward to creating more friends here in my new home.

My Mammy, Rose Smoak

     Please keep my Mammy in your prayers. She has said enough prayers for others to deserve a flood of them for herself.


     My Mammy is the perfect example of a strong matriarch. She is graceful, demure, caring, bold, and has an unbelievable strength you have to be around to even begin to comprehend. She is a survivor and a loyal person to God, her family, and her friends.
     She survived her new husband going off to war. She became a sister/mother figure to her niece when her sister passed. She helped raised two beautiful daughters with her true love, my grandfather. She survived gallbladder cancer as a mother. She helped to raise a number of grandchildren and grand nieces. She stayed strong in a beautiful marriage for 69 (and still counting) years. A few years ago she even survived being dead for 2 minutes after fluid had built up in her lungs from congestive heart failure. At 90 years old I remember my grandmother out surviving my sister, mother and I on an all day shopping spree....WE had to tell her we were to tired to keep going!
     Recently she has been going blind. I think the hardest think to witness was her discontent with just sitting back and letting us do for her. For so many years, she has done so much for her family from cooking, to giving the best advice, to just living life as a beautiful example to us all. About a week ago we had to call hospice for her. At 94 years old, she made us promise "No more hospitals." As hard as it is to hear that, we all understand and support her %100. Anything else would be selfish.
     All the nurses that come in rave about how much love is around her, and how she is so lucky to be so well cared for by so many family members. What I think they don't understand is that, luck has nothing to do with the love that surrounds her. She built this support system and this love that envelopes her now with every kind word she spoke, every hug she gave, every shoulder she lent for a good cry, every time she provided heart felt advice, among all the other things she has freely given of herself over her 94 years. Naturally, she hasn't stopped providing. I was talking with her the other night about my life and my plans and how I hope to have as good of a life as she made for herself. Her response was wisdom filled and heart felt. She told me "You know when it all started going my way? When I told God that I'll live everyday the best I can and leave all the rest up to him. When you surrender your life to God, he won't let you down."
     I know that experiences, friends, other family members, good times and bad times all shape who we are and who we become everyday. I also know that each person in my family is who he/she is because of who my Mammy is and how she lived each day of her life. Rose Smoak is a blessing and I'm so thankful to be a part of the family that she has been unconditionally dedicated to.

     Every summer since my mother was a little girl our extended family rents a beach house on Tybee Island, in Savannah, Georgia for a week. (One of many photos taken over the years capturing that to the left) The family begins with my Mammy, my Pappy, and my Nanna and Granddaddy Jack and extends on out to all of my extended cousins on that side. Nanna and Granddaddy Jack (Bless his soul, I know he's been watching us) are really my cousins...who have been more like a second pair of grandparents. We have a surprisingly close extended family. I call a couple of my cousins Aunt and Uncle because that's how close we all are.

     


     To the right is a picture taken at my Aunt's house of my Aunt Helen, Mammy, Pappy, Me and Stella. We were celebrating the Christmas that followed my sister's engagement to Brad Bonner, who is now a part of our family. They recently got to share some exciting news with the family and Mammy....THEY're GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!! This family just keep growing!

     This picture was taken as I was reading my birthday card from Mammy. I can't even think of a birthday without anticipating getting Mammy and Pappy's present. She always carefully selects the card. She may not know it, but there is always an important message in there that I need to hear. Not to mention, they know just what to get me...money! She always said "We give you money because we want to make sure you get EXACTLY what you want."

Mammy, Me and Pappy before going to see my cousin Jordan in her ballet recital.

  


    


     Mammy, Pappy, Mom, Dad and I visited Stella and Brad when they had just moved to Augusta. Outside of church after mass on a Sunday.

    




Stella and I out to dinner with Mammy and Pappy.

     This past year Beach Week 2011. Mammy, Pappy, my cousin Riley and I out on the porch.

    Mammy and I at the beauty parlor September 2011. Even at 94 she has still been making regular trips to the beauty shop!