To be continued

Dear Lillian,
     I never thought in a million years that being an aunt would bring so many uncontrollably and beautiful feelings. I will never forget the night i waited for your arrival at the hospital. The whole 9 months and that night all my focus was on my big sister. The time I spent with her while she carried you around in her belly will forever be irreplaceable. It's truly the first time I felt your mother an I exhibited every aspect of the precious relationship that is sisterhood. Its the first time I didn't feel like the "youngest daughter," but instead like the protective guardian. When your grandfather, Ben, showed me the picture message of your sweet face my whole focus shifted. I was completely overcome with emotions of love. My fist words were "I didn't know I was going to love her this much," as I faught to breath through my choking sobs. I still may not know what it means to be an aunt, but I do know a few things for sure. I love you and that could never change. I will always be available to you if you ever need anything. I will accept the person you choose to be. I will never cast judgement on any mistake you may make. I will beleive in you no matter if you loose faith in yourself. I will fight for you. I will cry with you. I will laugh with you. I will always be your aunt Helen and I will always love you.

Somebody that I used to know

     Having a little trouble sleeping. This probably has something to do with the coffe/energy drink I had after work. I decided to take this idle time to share some thoughts. I just moved back into the dorm life at 23. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I have not been looking forward to being surrounded by younger and new college students. It's nothing personal, I have mostly always gotten along with an older crowd..... And even THEY have their moments of immaturely wasting time on extraneous drama.
     Drama..... I hate to even use that word because it is so over used and mostly by people who welcome it as a necessary companion, only to talk behind its back and say things like, "omg, I hate drama," or "drama just finds me."
     Anyways, I'm getting off topic. My point being there was a huge apprehension about surrounding myself with people who may not have found their "big picture," yet. However, there was and is still a part of me who looks forward to having a reminder of how drastically different my mindset is compared to when I took my first go around at college. So far things have been great. It's only been a week and I don't know my roommates to well but it's really funny that I see scattered fragments of the 18 year old Helen in each of them. I like it.

I just might have a problem that you'd understand.

     You don't always have to look far for inspiration. Sometimes you just have to want it bad enough to reach out. As you can read from an earlier post, "hiatus," my boyfriend and I have recently decided to take a break. The main reason is that my broken self confidence was beginning to create issues for us during a time where we are both going through some important personal transitions. I am okay with the fact that I need to grow stronger on my own before I can attempt to grow strong with someone. However, my next dilemma was how? I decided continuing to choose not to drink was important for this journey. I also recognized remaining focused on my job and school were imperative. 

     These things were obvious choices. I am a gymnast at heart. It's hard for me not to exhaust every effort I can muster to achieve something I truly desire. So I had a major brainstorming session. I concluded that blogging may help, hence my last two post. As my thoughts were becoming more organized and easier to manage, I moved onto organizing other things: my car, my clothes, etc. I then decided to committ to listening to "building self confidence" meditation every morning. It may seem silly, but the repeated phrases are a great way to start my day and remind myself that I can CHOOSE to be confident. 

     There was still something missing. I'm not sure what prompted me to reach out, but I am so glad I did. I took three girls, whom I don't even know extremely well and I gave them the spark notes version of what my current situation was. I ended my message by asking them if they had any advice on how to build back my confidence. Honestly, a lot of the things the girls said were things I knew. There are no short cuts. However, hearing that they could relate to my current struggle was just the camaraderie I needed. These strong women have inspired me. I see them all as confident women "with a voice." Feeling that camaraderie allowed me to see my own self as a strong woman with a voice. 

     Again, I'm not sure why I reached out, but I am so glad that I did. Good vibes are out there. Don't be afraid to follow them. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there for who you are. Your struggles don't bring shame, they bring character and the opportunity to grow.  A wise and extremely good looking man once told me "this world is a hard place to live in, I feel that too." I agree with him. However, we are all struggling and yet sometimes we let irrational fear keep us from reaching out. I had those fears when messaging those girls. I was nervous they might see me as weak. I also thought there was the potential they would think I was just looking for a way to be their friend (girls are crazy like that). I was also afraid they may be annoyed and think, "seriously? I hardly know you." However, their reaction restored my optimistic faith in humanity. We have the ability to relate to each other. Let's not waste that.