Spirit in the Sky

     I think the first thing that went through my head is deep regret for not calling or visiting closer to these two family members deaths. It's a horrible feeling that mixes with the sorrow for the other family members as well as the sadness of your personal loss. Losing these two family members in less than two weeks of each other has made me realize there is no excuse for losing contact with the ones you love. You never know what's around the corner. I'm going to try my hardest to soak up the good times with my family from this point on. I miss my Papa and my Aunt Patty so much but I know they are watching over all of their loved ones.


My Papa! What a character. Anytime I would call him I looked forward to our usual banter. "Are you keeping your parents in check?" My reply: "Papa you know that's impossible, didn't you try that for 20 years with my dad...and you didn't even have Mom to worry about!" Okay....doesn't seem that funny, but it was to us. I will never forget is love for a good laugh. It seemed visits to Papa's house meant hearing a hundred new jokes, and hearing a hundred new stories about my dad and his two brothers or my grandmother (who passed away a few years ago as well). I remember our family trips to Myrtle Beach and various other places. I will always appreciate those trips and vacations that were made even when he wasn't feeling in tip top shape. He had such a unique relationship with all of his grandchildren, all of his sons, and all of his daughter in-laws. He attended church regularly, was a war veteran, and a family man. I miss my Papa and he was one of the wonderful men in my life who open my eyes to the type of man I want to end up with for myself. Devoted to his family until the end, he lead and shared a full beautiful life and I'm so glad to have had such a wonderful Grandpa. Rest in Peace Papa.

Papa and I in Myrtle Beach. 2006 Patterson Family Vacation.

     I loved my Aunt Patty. She was actually my cousin.... that's what having a close knit extended family will do to you. Her organization is still something that inspires me! Her kind words will always be with me. I think the memory that has kept replaying in my mind of my Aunt Patty was last summer when she asked me what my plans were right now with work and school. I normally dread this question at family gatherings, because, as you can tell from my previous blogs, I'm not where I want to be in life right now. However, Aunt Patty seemed to ask in such a gentle way and so I opened up. I didn't give my usual, "Oh just working and trying to go back to school." I truly opened up about my plans (at the time) to continue working for Coach Wayne Gymnastics and hopefully soon be able to run one of his new "home base" gyms that he plans to open up in another state. I remember how wonderful it felt to have her look at me and smile and say well it's always good to do something you're passionate about, and you've always loved  gymnastics (I'm sure I'm paraphrasing, but it was something along those supportive lines). She fought a good fight against cancer, raised two wonderful daughters, and touched every life she came into contact with. The way she cared for others on such an individual level will inspire me forever. Rest in Peace Aunt Patty.

From right all the way around the table: Aunt Patty, her two daughters Kelly and Julie, her two nieces (true nieces) Ashley and Krista, her sister in-law (more like sisters) Marie, brother-in-law Billy and husband Pat. This family was/is very tight knit, strong, and beautiful!



Poor Unfortunate Souls

     Yes, yes, I used to be "that girl" in high school. I wasn't socially awkward or categorized as "unpopular." I had plenty of friends, but I was an easy target for those suffering with hidden insecurities. I was the perfect person to transfer pain to, because I gave them instant gratification paid in full.  I was easily hurt by digs and the catty game...and showed it clear as day all over my face. Now? Not so much.
     I know who I am. Even through my struggles I still manage to enjoy everyday...a lot. I have my insecurities, like any woman. However, I know who I am, and I'm pretty damn content with myself. Not in a cocky way. I mean I think it's pretty sweet to be able to say "If I were you, I'd want to be my friend." If you don't think you deserve that then why are you making your friends suffer?....Be a hermit if you think you suck that bad, R.I.P. Led, Zeppelin, and Marley (See "My Friend Gave me Crabs" to get this reference). Anyways, enough self love, back to the topic.
     Listen up ladies who specialize in condescending remarks, bitchy digs, and patronizing sarcasm. You're sad. The only thing your comments do is bring even more attention to me and away from you. Since I do know who I am, I have no fear of the attention or gossip.
     I'm a veteran of surviving rumors and shit talk. You'd be surprised how fast things get corrected and blow over when I sit back and let you do all the talking. My actions always defend me and force people to eventually see the truth. Unfortunately for you, your talking just starts to annoy people.
     You can't make me feel insecure either. Making sure to let me know that you are taking a dig at me only brings to my attention that you feel I'm someone you want to "take down a notch." I've gone through all sorts of different types of reactions to these situations. I've felt bad about myself (at a younger age). I've given you a huge reaction or tried to make a dig back at you. I've felt bad for you and tried things like downplaying an outfit, or keeping quiet a little more. I've gone out of my way to compliment you and point out your attributes.
     All of these have been failing options. So now I play dumb. It doesn't waste my time. It doesn't annoy other people with petty drama. And yes, it still may even leave you with a little hope that somewhere in my confidence you have made an impact. I've never understood how trying to hurt other people can make someone feel better about themselves. I find much more happiness in being responsible for the smiles around me and the confidence emitting from my friends or any random person who's company I'm in. However, I feel bad for those damaged to the point of needing to see pain in others. I guess do what you have to do to face yourself everyday and hopefully one day you'll see your own beauty (inner and outer) and find refuge in that instead.